


A Life, A Death

by molybdomantic



Category: Hell Gate - A. E. Housman
Genre: Angst, Backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 17:37:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17027106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molybdomantic/pseuds/molybdomantic
Summary: Or, How I Got Here





	A Life, A Death

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lnhammer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lnhammer/gifts).



I am not a bad man, and yet I may have lived a bad life. For otherwise, how is it that I could love my dear wife so well and yet leave her in such ruin? I would have kept and protected her, and yet I abandoned her to pain and torment. I will tell my tale, and you may judge me for yourself. Meanwhile I shall hang in the balance between Good and Evil, Heaven and Hell, and my fate will rest on your reckoning.

 

I grew up through an ordinary childhood, learned ordinary lessons and made ordinary friends. My world was neither full nor empty; I bundled corn through the same dreamy summers, and recited times tables through the same endless school days as do most other boys. My constant companion was my playmate Ned. He was like a brother to me, who had no brothers of my own.

At the age of twelve, having no other path to tread through life, I followed in the footsteps of my father and grandfather and took up the tools of a joiner. I applied myself to my work and showed no little skill at it. But in my heart I yearned for adventure, which the workshop could not supply.

At the age of seventeen, my trade took me to the next town on the day of the Midsummer Fair to deliver a dresser. After the delivery was made, myself and Ned had no pressing need to return. Having a long day to hand and a few coins in our pockets, we unhooked the cart and left the horse in comfort, and set about partaking of the pleasures of the fair. We drank and made merry and two portentous things came to pass.

The first: as I was in my cups, and dizzy from the dance, I stumbled into a fair maiden named Emmie. I made to apologise and she bade me no. The sun was hot and she invited me to sit beneath a shady oak. There we spoke for many hours, of all and naught, and parted with a promise to court. I left her side regretfully, and with many sweet goodbyes.

The second: as Ned and I returned to our horse to make our way home, we passed a troupe of men in the King's fine red uniforms. Their stature and dress put Ned and I to shame, and we eyed them enviously. As we conversed on our journey, Ned confided to me a wish to leave our mundane life and join the ranks of the army, and he spoke with such joy and admiration that the seed of temptation was planted in my mind also.

Through the years of eighteen and nineteen I walked out with Emmie and we at last became betrothed. But Ned had left our town to travel with the army, and as my heart became steadily more anchored to my home, so my mind itched to leave it and taste the freedom that I experienced through Ned's letters. When next the Midsummer fair arrived I had made my decision, and allowed myself to be signed up into their ranks. I visited my Emmie in my striking new uniform and stole her heart all over again.

Then followed hard years of training and fighting, which tested my mettle and forged me into a man to be proud of. I had joined the same brigade as Ned, and we were stalwart friends and unbreakable soldiers. When I visited home I walked proudly through the streets and held my head high. I wager I inspired not a few young boys to follow in my path, for truly I cut a fine figure in my uniform. My Emmie glowed with pride to see me, and my pay allowed us to be married in fine style, with feasting and music and all.

Five months later my regiment called on me again, and I was due to leave within the week. By that time Emmie was becoming round with child, and begged me to stay. My vain head though was full of thoughts of adventure and glory, and my practical prudence spoke to me of the luxuries that a campaign's pay could provide for my child. Emmie pleaded and remonstrated with me, but in my selfishness I would not be swayed. I regret nothing more in my life.

We wrote to each other many times, of our hopes for the child and our life together once I had returned home. Emmie's words were sweet and sustaining, and I replied always with loving haste. But the last letters from home arrived both together, as we made camp on the outskirts of a nondescript town, and told the story of first: in Emmie's hand, a stillbirth and fast burial, and second: in my father's hand, the fast decline and death of my dear Emmie herself.

Oh how I cried and reproached myself; oh how I grieved. But the time was past and the deed was done, and I could no more return and resurrect my Emmie than I could ride to heaven and petition the angels on her behalf.

In my misery and distress I became reckless; I chose skirmishes that tested my skills and duels that risked disaster. Truly a battlefield is a hellish place, but I sought out the most infernal corners and threw myself headlong into the fray with abandon. I fought like a man with nothing to lose, for I felt sincerely that such was my situation. And yet in my grief, my selfishness came to the fore again. For my actions not only risked my own life, but also that of my dear friend Ned. Even in the thick of battle he guarded my back and saved me from my own most suicidal impulses. And perhaps he would have succeeded in bringing me back to myself in time, but that one fatal blow meant for me struck him instead, and my last friend in this life was gone. My consolation is that I revenged him before my death, and I hope that if I meet him in the afterlife that he will remember me fondly.

 

Life has left me, and I travel now to my eternal fate. The way is long, and my conductor is taciturn. No matter how I entreat, he will give me no word of my loved ones, nor even hint at their fates. I anticipate the approach of the pits of hell; but my greatest fear is that I shall be greeted at the gates of damnation by my dear, sweet Emmie, and my steadfast Ned, consigned to the everlasting fire by my actions.


End file.
